YOUR MAN’S NEEDS, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY…….

The modern woman is at a siege, fighting for his man.

From alcoholism to office relationships not forgetting the demanding career paths (that have born workaholics) and the ever persistent danger of the ‘other woman’ the woman daily faces the threat of losing his man. Whereas the causes of these ‘dangers’ could be diverse the fact that your man could be running away because his needs are not met at home is not far off.

Men are very predictable. Their needs very obvious and yet many times unattended! A friend of mine plainly summed up the needs of a typical man to: a good meal, a good home, being adored and lots of sex! That is so bare yet so true!

I like Michelle Obama’s summary: “All a Man needs is a patient woman to stick by and watch his dreams fall into place and to quit nagging.” One of the greatest freedoms in relationships is the realization that men and women are fundamentally different in their behaviors and needs. It’s bound to be frustrating for a woman to expect her husband to behave like her.

*Admiration is as important to a man what affection is to a woman

Men have an ego, and I am not sure that will be changing anytime soon. Luckily however, women can work around it to their advantage. Many say that a man’s number one need is sex but I beg to differ. It is to be admired. Every man intrinsically longs to be praised and urged to keep doing good things. It is sad when this encouragement lacks at home but increases at the work place, at the bar or worse at the “mpango wa kando’s” house.

My wife once told me: “I will be here to support your dreams and when they fail I will not be waiting to tell you I had seen them coming down!” That statement pushed my adrenalin to the moon. I was more challenged to dream bigger and follow those dreams. Once she gives me her approval everybody else can say anything they want. It’s very sad that some women have perfected the art of pouring cold water on their men’s dreams. If you think his dream needs a ‘make over’ give you input wisely and soberly, and be part of it rather than discredit it.

*He wants someone to take care of him

I have heard this comment again and again: “men are like children. Immediately they get married they suddenly forget to do anything for themselves including remembering where their socks are kept.” I agree men love to be taken care of. A man wants a woman who can turn his house into a home i.e peaceful, neat and tidy, clean clothes.

Any man would feel nice to find his woman taking time to prepare his favourite meal without constantly reminding him that she did it. It is likely that if he is not taken care of at home, the secretary, the colleague or the call girl will do it. I bet you don’t want another woman to touch your man.

*Men are logical

Men are sloppy; it is most likely that he will make 10 mistakes before you as a woman make one. To add to this women are more … they take time before doing something, the net effect being that they will make fewer mistakes. Additionally men are more understanding when it comes to conflicts they will take in a number of faults before they can raise a finger as opposed to women who will notice every mistake and most likely make it known that they did.

On solving conflicts the biggest battle of relationship can be won on the understanding of the difference in world view between men and women. Whereas women lean towards emotional world view men have a logical world view. Women often fault by interpreting every mistake their men do and attaching emotions to it.

On the contrary men get annoyed when emotions replace the facts. When resolving a conflict it would be wise to separate emotions from the facts. If he forgot to remove his shoes when getting into the house quit concluding outright that he does not appreciate your efforts of cleaning the house. The rebound of this is a feeling that women are petty and a nag. This could lead to withdrawal or a don’t care attitude. With this a woman will in turn feel misunderstood and not cared for and the relationship/marriage heads to the dogs.

Quit making a hill out of every mole of a mistake. Make allowance for the fact that being human he will make genuine mistakes. It is interesting that women interpret it to mean he does not care whereas when you are late for a date you want him to understand. I don’t mean to ignore the intrinsic differences between men and women but I believe some making an allowance for him to make mistakes could save many women from ulcers.

Most conflicts in relationships emanate from non issues I beg to add from silly arguments. Dot get me wrong am not trying to demean the concerns of women but

*He wants to feel needed.

Naturally a man is wired to be responsible, a caretaker. Contrary to misconception that the modern man is dependant men feel rewarded when they are useful to those they love. I assure you he has no problem paying the bills, in fact he feels so fulfilled when he can provide for his family.

The problem is that the modern woman is consumed with the hullabaloo of independence that she wants to prove she can make it on her own. Let him replace the bulb, close the door, carry the shopping basket even if he has no clue what you are buying,…

The fact that he has not offered to do it does not mean he is disinterested, in fact he might be feeling you don’t value his help because you insisted on doing it yourself. This is likely to elicit an isolation feeling in him. You see men have an ego, they want to feel needed and so it is fulfilling for them when they are asked to do it. Don’t assume that it is obvious for him.

You will be surprised that requesting him to do something for you is the button you have been avoiding all along. Asking him to do it for you makes him feel useful, needed and better still wanted!

* Spice up the bedroom.

It’s no secret that sex ranks high in a man’s list of needs. Some have even suggested it is the most important need. Men are visual, don’t be surprised when you catch him drooling at another woman, give him a reason not to.

A story is told of a woman who caught his husband cheating with his secretary spend some time in the office and learnt what it was the ‘other woman’ was doing that she was missing. She later won her husband by doing the small things like her dressing, reference and honor that he previously ignored.

Do not complain that you caught him flirting with a colleague on facebook or sms if you cannot take time to get off the conventional talk with him. The bedroom is where he his most intimate needs are met exclusively, it is where he gets vulnerable, make it interesting, make it worth! I am not sex therapists so it would be hard to address this deeper but I believe that a woman can in simple ways make that intimate time special.

*He desires the home to be a haven of peace Peace is one of men’s priorities.

He wants to come home after a day of hustling to the place he rests and forget the strains of life. Questions, complaints or nagging should not be the first thing he gets immediately he arrives home unless it is an urgent matter.

By nature men are hustlers. Besides the heavy workload, a responsible man is always working hard to secure a future for his family. It is very refreshing for him when comes home and finds an ear for his troubles, dreams and future plans. There is no man with a heart so hard that they cannot love if they feel respected, admired and wanted in their homes.

The peace loving care hungry man wants to take refuge at home, but too bad when the same home turns chaotic and the theatre of all drama. The bar and the workplace take over this role. Functional families are today competing with alcoholism and workaholism. Whereas the causes of these two disorders could be diverse the fact that your man is not finding fulfillment at home, could be one of the reasons he is coming home late or not coming at all.

Unlike women men are more or less logical. Their needs are more material than sentimental. It is the feeling of being accepted, admired and taken care of that brings out the loving, caring and responsible man our women so long for!

*Accept him under no conditions:

Even if you earn more than him, you are more learned or have more assets he remains the man and I promise you he will defend his place at all costs. Material things don’t replace him at the Head. The castle should not be greater than the king. He knows that those things are important but he doesn’t want to be placed second to those things or even his children.

If he feels that he is likely to withdraw or look for that recognition elsewhere. Valuing the children or pay slip is suicidal; you will have them but lose him! A man wants to be accepted for who he is at face value. Quit trying to change him into your ideal man; rather support him to the best he can be.

Many have assumed that a cheating man strays while looking for a sexual experience but I beg to differ. Many have pushed their men to the bars and ‘the other’ woman by being unresponsive to their needs.

Figure your man out, identify his critical needs and serve him well at home. Get him out of the bar or office and make him long for you!