Home > Dating responsibly....., Fulfilling marriages..... > Why ‘Come we Stay arrangment’ is Disastrous ..

Why ‘Come we Stay arrangment’ is Disastrous ..


Come we stay is an arrangement not a marriage.

Whereas some people may disagree with this statement, those in it will admit that many times they have wished they were in a formal marriage. When you are in a formal marriage, there is always a commitment or a reference to go back when you are at the crossroads. When you are in an arrangement, you have none.

Marriage certFor the sake of avoiding confusion let me add that, you don’t need a wedding to be married. There are many options to firm up your relationship. You can have traditional marriage rites, a small church wedding ceremony (a pastor could just bless your marriage after the normal Sunday service and you get to sign your certificate) or get joined at the Attorney General’s Chambers.

Marriage is a commitment, a public proclamation or an agreement that you have taken another (of opposite sex) as a life partner. In the absence of an expressed commitment before witnesses then you are in an arrangement.

But why bother with the tedious marriage processes and at times an expensive wedding? One would ask.

When a man asks for your hand in marriage from your family, it is a mark of honor and value for you. When he gathers his friends and family together and proclaim his love for you, it is a sign of deep commitment. When a man asks you to move in with him and deal with the official processes later, he is using you to test the waters. introduction

When a woman presents you to her parents and proclaims you are the man he wants to marry she is saying she is proud of you, she is confident and she has made her mind. On the other hand when she just wants to introduce you as a friend, she is not sure of you and she is just trying to see how that life would be like.

You certainly don’t want to be in a trial and error arrangement. The interesting thing about human beings “trying to do something” is that we never give it our all. There is always a justification in our subconscious that “anyway we are just trying, we are not even married.” When it gets hard there is always an option of leaving. When you are married, leaving is the last option and you are likely to put more effort into it.

Don’t get fixated on a big wedding, rather focus on getting into a relationship you two are ready to and proud of. Secondly bring accountability to it by making it known to those close to you and making it legal. All in all, being married offers you more security, commitment and comfort as opposed to being in an arrangement.

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  1. joy
    January 17, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    I f only we could remember that there is a big difference between the wedding and the marriage! Great minds think alike….am glad to say the above thoughts are from a mind like mine

  2. January 15, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    “When a man asks for your hand in marriage from your family, it is a mark of honor and value for you. When he gathers his friends and family together and proclaim his love for you, it is a sign of deep commitment. When a man asks you to move in with him and deal with the official processes later, he is using you to test the waters.”<—– Well Put.

  3. Alfred Aswani
    January 15, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Food for thought If only people are willing to take up such advice relationships will be way better than what they are today.

  4. January 15, 2014 at 8:43 am

    AWESOME!!! This is so true, there is no two ways about it. You are either married or not. And you are right, a wedding does not have to be a flamboyant affair.
    My most favorite part of this blog is “When a man asks for your hand in marriage from your family, it is a mark of honor and value for you. When he gathers his friends and family together and proclaim his love for you, it is a sign of deep commitment. When a man asks you to move in with him and deal with the official processes later, he is using you to test the waters”.
    Thank you for this. God bless & increase you abundantly.

  5. cizoepoetry
    January 15, 2014 at 8:41 am

    True. I was in a relationship for 5 yrs and two of those years was in a “come we stay” arrangement. To date i regret it but i learnt if a man wants to be with you forever, he will take that step. I would NEVER recommend a “come we stay” arrangement.

  6. January 15, 2014 at 8:37 am

    I like the article for you have tried showing how easy the union can be formalised. I am from Uganda and I would like to point out some of the things I have seen in my years on earth.

    Everyone wants to be married (okay may be a majority). Modern pomp has made it very hard for young men to move into committed (formalised) relationships.
    I have not seen a wedding with less than 200 people. Endless wedding meetings intended to fundraise bombard “our” cell phones.
    Reality is as one grows up, urges come (these are not evil) and yet means to formalise are not in tandem.
    Urges end into pregnancies and the desire to couple.

  1. February 4, 2014 at 12:32 pm

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